AAADD (funny!)

AAADD
KNOW THE SYMPTOMS......PLEASE READ!

Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.
Somehow I feel better even though I have it!!

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table,
put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back
on the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think,
since I'm going to be near the mailbox
when I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table,
and see that there is only one check left. 
My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
so I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks,
but first I need to push the Pepsi aside
so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The Pepsi is getting warm,
and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi,
a vase of flowers on the counter
catches my eye--they need water.

I put the Pepsi on the counter and
discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk,
but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter,
fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
I'll be looking for the remote,
but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,
so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers,
but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table,
get some towels and wipe up the spill...

Then, I head down the hall trying to
remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:
the car isn't washed,
the bills aren't paid,
there is a warm can of Pepsi sitting on the counter,
the flowers don't have enough water,
there is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I'm really baffled, because I know I was busy all day,
and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem,
and I'll try to get some help for it,
but first I'll check my e-mail....

Do me a favor.
Forward this message to everyone you know,
because I don't remember who the heck I've sent it
to.

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!

What Love means to a 4-8 year old . . .

Slow down for three minutes to read this. It is so worth it. A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, 'What does love mean?' The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think. 'Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen.' Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)

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'When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love.'

Rebecca - age 8 

_____________________________________________________________________________________________

'When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.'

Billy - age 4

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'Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.'

Karl - age 5

_______________________________________________________________________________

'Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs.'

Chrissy - age 6

_______________________________________________________________________________



'Love is what makes you smile when you're tired.'

Terri - age 4

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'Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.'

Danny - age 7

---

'Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more.
My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss'

Emily - age 8

---

'If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate,'

Nikka - age 6
(we need a few million more Nikka's on this planet)

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'Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday.'

Noelle - age 7

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'Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.'

Tommy - age 6

---

'During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling.

He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore.'

Cindy - age 8

---

'My mommy loves me more than anybody.
You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night'.

Clare - age 6

---

'Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken.'

Elaine - age 5

 

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'Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford.'

Chris - age 7

 

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'Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.'

Mary Ann - age 4

 

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'I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.'

Lauren - age 4

 

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'When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.' (what an image)

Karen - age 7

 

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'You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot.. People forget.'

Jessica - age 8

 

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And the final one

The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife.

Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.

When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said,

'Nothing, I just helped him cry.'

Biblical Humor

Q. What kind of man was  Boaz before he married  Ruth?
A.  Ruthless.

 
Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?
A. German Shepherds.

Q. Who was  the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah He was floating his stock while everyone else was  in liquidation.

Q. Who was  the greatest female financier in the  Bible?
A.  Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of  the Nile and drew out a Little  prophet.

Q. What  kind of motor vehicles are in the  Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land. Also, probably a Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.

Q. Who was  the greatest comedian in the  Bible?
A. Samson.  He brought the house down.

Q. What  excuse did Adam give to his children as to why  he no longer lived in Eden?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.

Q. Which  servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker  in the Bible?
A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.

Q. Which  area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.

Q. Who is  the greatest babysitter mentioned in the  Bible?
A. David  He rocked Goliath to a very deep  sleep.

Q. Which  Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua,  son of Nun.

Q. Why  didn't they play cards on the Ark  ?
A. Because  Noah was standing on the  deck.


PS.. Did  you know it's a sin for a woman to make  coffee?
Yup, it's  in the Bible. It says . .  'He-brews'

KEEP  SMILING!!!! GOD LOVES YOU BUNCHES AND!  BUNCHES!!!!
Friends are God's way of taking care of us.

...Faith,  Hope & Love -- but the greatest of these is  LOVE.
1 Corinthians  13:13

Funny Scripture Test Answers by Children

PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. IF YOU ARE EVEN REMOTELY FAMILIAR WITH HOLY SCRIPTURE, YOU'LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS! IT COMES FROM A ROMAN CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST. KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.


1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.

2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.

3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.

4. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.

5. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.

6. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.

7. THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTER WARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.

8. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.

9. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.

10. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA. THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.

11. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.

12. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.

13. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.

14. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.

15. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.

16. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.

17. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.

18. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.

19. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.

20. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.

21. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.

22. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.

23. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.

24. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.

Funny Friday: Marshmallow Test video

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wWW1vpz1ybo

Funny Friday Giggle

A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote 'Revelation 3:20' on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, 'Genesis 3:10.'

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins, 'Behold, I stand at the door and knock.' Genesis 3:10 reads, 'I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked.'

Funny Friday: Wedding Joke

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."

The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"

Dog Afraid of Water (video with funny music)

Wonders Wednesday Photo: Gonna Be a Bear!

Out of the Mouths of Babes

After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.

His father asked him three times what was wrong.

Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys."

Funny Friday: The Mom Song Video

Weather Forecasting Stone

Surprising Dinner Prayer

A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"

"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied."

Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.

The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

Energy Efficient Vehicle (funny)

While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign ... "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."

Texan Talk

The Official Primer of Elementary Texan

ALL: petroleum..........................................“They found all on mah land!”
ARE: sixty minutes....................................“Ah’ll meet yew thar in about a are!”
ARN: a metallic element...........................“Mah muscle is as strong as arn!”
AST: past tense of the verb ‘to ask’........“Who ast yew?”
BANES: a type of food...............................“Ah love pinto banes!”
BEAN: a living person................................“He’s a rawt nawce human bean!”
CARD: a person lacking courage..............“Yew yella bellawed card!”
DOLL: operate a telephone......................“Jes doll me up sometime!”
ERROR: used with a bow.........................“Ah shot a error into the air!”
FAVOR: have a temperature...................“Ah’m sick! Ah got a favor!”
GRAIN: a color...........................................“It’s jes grain as grass!”
HARE: a place or to listen.........................“Can yew hare me now?”
KAINT: contraction for cannot................“Yew kaint do that!”
KWAT: lacking noise.................................“Ah want pace and kwat aroun’ hare!”
LAGS: the lower limbs..............................“She got the cutest lags in town!”
LANE: to incline.........................................“Lane it upside the wall!”
LIBEL: likely..............................................“Yur libel t’git snockered drinkin’ RC!”
LON: a large feline....................................“The lon is the king of the jungle!”
NODE: past tense of ‘to know’.................“I node him for years!”
PAR: energy...............................................“Solar par is downright unAmerican!”
PAWN: on top of........................................“Put yer guns pawn the table!”
PAYPUL: a body of persons....................“Who are all these paypul?”
SAR: having a tart taste...........................“Boy, that lemon is sar!”
SENSE: from a past time..........................“It’s a are sense I had a RC!”
SEP: to omit................................................“Everybody get a RC sep yew!”
SLAVE: part of a garment........................“It’s a long slave shirt!”
STALE: to take feloniously.......................“Thou shalt not stale!”
STARS: a flight of steps............................“Jes go up them stars!”
TUTHER: of two or more.........................“Yew can take one or tuther!”
WARSH: to clean with water...................“Go warsh yur hands!”
WOOF: doglike animal.............................“Who’s afraid of the big bag woof?”
WUNST: at one time.................................“Ah used ta node her wunst!”

Pain in My Side (funny)

At Sunday school they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.

Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny, what is the matter?"

Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

Funny Friday: Math Test Papers

Below are actual student test papers. (Click each one to view larger.)

Signs You Live in The 2000’s

1. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.

2. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

3. You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat. He emails you back from his bedroom, "What's for dinner?"

4. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.

5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken with your next door neighbor yet this year.

6. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains Echinacea.

7. Your grandmother asks you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.

8. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.

9. Every commercial on television has a web-site address at the bottom of the screen.

10. You buy a computer and 6 months later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid.

11. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 years of your life, is cause for panic and turning around to go back and get it.

12. Using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase would be a hassle and take planning.

13. Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.

14. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have email addresses.

15. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.

16. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.

17. Your idea of being organized is multiple-colored Post-it notes.

18. You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person.

19. You get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls.

20. You disconnect from the internet and get this awful feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

21. You get up in morning and go online before getting your coffee.

22. You wake up at 2am to go to the bathroom and check your email on your way back to bed.

23.You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)

24. You're reading this.

25. Even worse; you're going to forward it to someone else.